It's About Time
It’s About Time
By Jerry Cumberledge
It has come to my attention that many of the people I know find themselves coming up short on free-time. Once they have finished all of the menial tasks and drudgery of their day, they have little time left for the activities that they truly enjoy. In light of this, I have come up with a plan to help them (and anyone else who chooses to follow my regimen) to decrease the wasted time that they spend doing chores and work, and to increase their free time.
The first step is to figure out exactly how much free-time you currently have in a typical day. You can then use that amount of free-time to set an appropriate goal for the future. To find out how much free-time you have, simply plug in your own personal values into the following equation:
Free-Time in hours per day = 24 hours – time sleeping – time eating – time defecating – time procreating (or if partnerless, time spent thinking about sex) x Pi/ Plank’s constant.
Note: If you are in law school, subtract 8 hours from “Free-time” value. If you live in the state of Iowa, add 3 hours to “Free-time” value. If you are Paris Hilton, add 10.5 hours to “Free-time” value.
Most people, after applying my formula to their daily schedule are depressed to find out that they have only 7 minutes and 43 seconds left at the end of the day to do what they want to do. That’s where my time-saving regimen comes in.
I have devised some easy time-saving tips that you can begin applying to your life immediately. Once you start using them, you’ll have enough time to sit down and watch the free-time start rolling in.
Time Saving Tip #1: Delegate
There are so many things in our daily routine that we can delegate to others. For instance, I’ve delegated washing my car to my three-year old niece, Susan. She’s so cute. I’ve also delegated my girlfriend to clean the kitchen and bathroom, replace light fixtures, clean my aquarium, make dinner, make lunch, make me those really good finger sandwiches that she is so good at, mow the yard, take out the trash, weather-proof the house, mail packages for me, knit, and any welding that we made need to do in the future. She’s really been skirting her responsibilities, though, and I haven’t seen her for three weeks. Honey, if you’re reading this, I still love you and I’m not mad at you even though you didn’t pave the driveway like I asked you to. Please come home.
Also, I’ve delegated my Uncle Lou to sleep for me on Tuesday nights. I need the time, he likes to sleep. It’s a win-win situation.
Time Saving Tip #2: Use time spent at work productively.
While at your job make sure to effectively use your time. This is a good time to pay bills, read the newspaper, eat, call family members who you don’t like to talk to, clip fingernails/toenails, or design that new breakfast nook that the wife’s been wanting.
Time Saving Tip #3: Take amphetamines.
I can’t stress this tip enough. Amphetamines are like nature’s coupons that are redeemable for at least half an hour of free time each day. They help you do just about everything faster, from walking the dog to doing the laundry to tutoring the neighborhood children on the horrors of drug abuse.
Time Saving Tip #4: Look only right and left at intersections before proceeding.
In schools these days, children are being taught to look left, then right, then left again before crossing the street. That is nonsense. Looking left only once, then right once, saves 0.4 seconds each time. Over the course of the day that could add up to over 8 seconds of free time if you live in a metropolitan area. That’s free time being wasted!
Time Saving Tip #5: Harness the power of compounding.
Saving a small amount of time now means that in the future, when you are ready to retire, you’ll have plenty of time to fall back on.
Time Saving Tip #6: Run.
Now by run, I don’t mean go for a jog every now and then. I mean run. All the time. Don’t ever walk. Running is at least twice as fast as walking and you will get to your destinations twice as fast as you normally would. You’re also killing two birds with one stone, because now you can remove exercise from your daily to-do-list. This could mean big time savings. If you get really good at it, you could do what I do, and run and eat at the same time.
Time Saving Tip #7: Don’t file your federal income taxes.
This one is a no-brainer. Federal income taxes take way to much time to fill out. Have you ever tried to? In the time you take to fill out all of those little boxes you could have gone skiing in the Alps or cultivated your own spice garden.
Some of you “law abiding citizens” might be thinking to yourself won’t the IRS come after me, disrobe me, spray me with a fire hose, and lock me in a federal penitentiary for the rest of my life here on planet Earth if I don’t pay my taxes?
I say to you DON”T WORRY! Have no fear, my friends! If you are already following Time Saving Tip #6 you should be running anyway, and let me tell you, those guys at the IRS are fat, last old men. Trust me. I visited the IRS headquarters on a field trip when I was in the third grade and I have a terrific memory for things like that. The only thing those guys will be running to is a local donut shop, so if you stay out of them, you should be fine. Hey, I didn’t say freeing up time wouldn’t mean some sacrifices.
By Jerry Cumberledge
It has come to my attention that many of the people I know find themselves coming up short on free-time. Once they have finished all of the menial tasks and drudgery of their day, they have little time left for the activities that they truly enjoy. In light of this, I have come up with a plan to help them (and anyone else who chooses to follow my regimen) to decrease the wasted time that they spend doing chores and work, and to increase their free time.
The first step is to figure out exactly how much free-time you currently have in a typical day. You can then use that amount of free-time to set an appropriate goal for the future. To find out how much free-time you have, simply plug in your own personal values into the following equation:
Free-Time in hours per day = 24 hours – time sleeping – time eating – time defecating – time procreating (or if partnerless, time spent thinking about sex) x Pi/ Plank’s constant.
Note: If you are in law school, subtract 8 hours from “Free-time” value. If you live in the state of Iowa, add 3 hours to “Free-time” value. If you are Paris Hilton, add 10.5 hours to “Free-time” value.
Most people, after applying my formula to their daily schedule are depressed to find out that they have only 7 minutes and 43 seconds left at the end of the day to do what they want to do. That’s where my time-saving regimen comes in.
I have devised some easy time-saving tips that you can begin applying to your life immediately. Once you start using them, you’ll have enough time to sit down and watch the free-time start rolling in.
Time Saving Tip #1: Delegate
There are so many things in our daily routine that we can delegate to others. For instance, I’ve delegated washing my car to my three-year old niece, Susan. She’s so cute. I’ve also delegated my girlfriend to clean the kitchen and bathroom, replace light fixtures, clean my aquarium, make dinner, make lunch, make me those really good finger sandwiches that she is so good at, mow the yard, take out the trash, weather-proof the house, mail packages for me, knit, and any welding that we made need to do in the future. She’s really been skirting her responsibilities, though, and I haven’t seen her for three weeks. Honey, if you’re reading this, I still love you and I’m not mad at you even though you didn’t pave the driveway like I asked you to. Please come home.
Also, I’ve delegated my Uncle Lou to sleep for me on Tuesday nights. I need the time, he likes to sleep. It’s a win-win situation.
Time Saving Tip #2: Use time spent at work productively.
While at your job make sure to effectively use your time. This is a good time to pay bills, read the newspaper, eat, call family members who you don’t like to talk to, clip fingernails/toenails, or design that new breakfast nook that the wife’s been wanting.
Time Saving Tip #3: Take amphetamines.
I can’t stress this tip enough. Amphetamines are like nature’s coupons that are redeemable for at least half an hour of free time each day. They help you do just about everything faster, from walking the dog to doing the laundry to tutoring the neighborhood children on the horrors of drug abuse.
Time Saving Tip #4: Look only right and left at intersections before proceeding.
In schools these days, children are being taught to look left, then right, then left again before crossing the street. That is nonsense. Looking left only once, then right once, saves 0.4 seconds each time. Over the course of the day that could add up to over 8 seconds of free time if you live in a metropolitan area. That’s free time being wasted!
Time Saving Tip #5: Harness the power of compounding.
Saving a small amount of time now means that in the future, when you are ready to retire, you’ll have plenty of time to fall back on.
Time Saving Tip #6: Run.
Now by run, I don’t mean go for a jog every now and then. I mean run. All the time. Don’t ever walk. Running is at least twice as fast as walking and you will get to your destinations twice as fast as you normally would. You’re also killing two birds with one stone, because now you can remove exercise from your daily to-do-list. This could mean big time savings. If you get really good at it, you could do what I do, and run and eat at the same time.
Time Saving Tip #7: Don’t file your federal income taxes.
This one is a no-brainer. Federal income taxes take way to much time to fill out. Have you ever tried to? In the time you take to fill out all of those little boxes you could have gone skiing in the Alps or cultivated your own spice garden.
Some of you “law abiding citizens” might be thinking to yourself won’t the IRS come after me, disrobe me, spray me with a fire hose, and lock me in a federal penitentiary for the rest of my life here on planet Earth if I don’t pay my taxes?
I say to you DON”T WORRY! Have no fear, my friends! If you are already following Time Saving Tip #6 you should be running anyway, and let me tell you, those guys at the IRS are fat, last old men. Trust me. I visited the IRS headquarters on a field trip when I was in the third grade and I have a terrific memory for things like that. The only thing those guys will be running to is a local donut shop, so if you stay out of them, you should be fine. Hey, I didn’t say freeing up time wouldn’t mean some sacrifices.
posted by TheOffBeatnik @ 4:11 PM
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